STORIES
Burns at the Farmyard.
Robert Burns and his brother Gilbert were leaning over a farm yard wall watching the hens and the cockerel scratching about.
One of the hens gives the cockerel the eye and he starts to strut across the yard to do his manly duty.
Just then the farmer comes out and scatters seed about the yard. The cockerel stops and starts to peck at the seed.
On seeing this Rabbie turns to his brother and says, "Gilbert I pray I will never be as hungry as that"
Women are beautiful and foolish.
Beautiful so that men will love them.
Foolish so that they will love man
Two little boys talking to each other.
I am four. Are you interested in women?
No.
Then you are three.
But your feet are dirtier than mine.
That is because I am a year older.
A man and a woman are in bed together.
When the bedroom door opens and her husband says "What are you two doing in bed together?"
The woman sits up and says "I told you he was stupid.
Adam and Eve
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to
talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it
would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong. When you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!
She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Burns and the Barman
One day Burns was sitting on a stool at a bar, writing down his latest poem when he stopped, scratched his chin with his biro and looked up at the ceiling for inspiration.
Now, on this ceiling were pennies stuck there by dipping them in beer and held against the ceiling until they stayed fast.
Burns had never seen this before and called the barman over. "Barman, how are these pennies holding onto the ceiling."
"Ah" said the barman "There anchor's but the Guinness damp."
"Ah ha" said Burns, the inspiration of his poetry flooding back to him, "The rank is but the guinea's stamp. The man's the gowd for a' that."
Tony's hospital visit. (Or President Bush's)
Tony Blair is being shown around a hospital. Towards the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of people with no obvious signs of injury.
He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies:
"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face
Great chieftain o' the puddin'race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place
Painch, tripe, or thairm
Weel are ye wordy o' a grace
As lang's my arm."
Tony, being somewhat confused grins and moves on to the next patient and greets him. He replies:
"Some hae meat, and canna eat
And some wad eat that want it
But we hae meat and we can eat
And sae the Lord be thankit.
The third starts rattling off as follows:
"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty
Wi bickering brattle!
I wad be laith to rin an chase thee
Wi murdering pattle!"
Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks what sort of ward this is. A mental ward?
"No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns unit."
Bonie Charlie's Noo Awa
It is a little known fact that when Bonnie Prince Charlie died his bones were returned to Glenfinnan, where he raised his standard. At the time a shepherd was building a dry stane dyke and hid Prince Charlie's remains in the stones. This is the background story behind the song Bonnie Charlie's noo a wa'
Burns and the Librarian
A man walks into the library and at the enquiry desk says "Robert Burns, the Complete works"
The librarian looks up and says "I am sorry Mr Burns, the Massage Parlour is back outside and the next door to this"
The Wedding Ring
One lady goes up to another at a party and says "Do you know that you have your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes" replies the other "I married the wrong man"
Assertiveness
"My wife came to me on her hands and knees last night"
"Oh! What did she say?"
"Come out from underneath the bed and discuss this like a man"
Decison Making
A wife asks her husband to repair a flickering light in the hall
"Do I have Scottish Power written on my forehead?" he replies
Well, could you fix the fridge door
"Do I have Comet written on my forehead?"
Well, could you at least fix the front step as it is dangerous
"Do I have Ace construction written on my forehead?" and at that he goes off to the pub. He returns shortly after as he is feeling guilty but notices that the front step has been fixed. When he puts the hall light on, it does not flicker and when he goes to the fridge for a beer he notices that the door has been fixed. He asks his wife how she has managed all this and she replies that when he left she sat on the front doorstep and was crying when along came a handsome man who asked what the matter was. He said that he would fix all the faults. She would have choice of how to pay. She could bake him a cake or go to bed with him.
"And what cake did you bake?" asked the husband.
"Do I have Delia Smith written on my forehead?
The Elephant
A naked man is running through the jungle when he is stopped by an elephant
"That is very cute" said the elephant "but can it pick up buns?"
Auld Lang Syne
I know a man called Mr Lang
And he has a neon sign
Now Mr Lang is very old
So they call it old Lang's sign
The Blond Guy
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
The blond opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.
"Everyone turned and stared at the blond's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."
POEMS
This poem will revolve on a daily basis.
If you enjoy the following poem then please return to this site to read the others.
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