The Toast to the Lassies
In the ChuckleBurns section, a poem rotates on a daily basis. On Saturday and Sunday you will find parts 1 and 2 of a Toast to the Lassies in verse. It is worth a look. It is also worth a look at the Reply on behalf of the Lassies because many of the jokes can be substituted. In the meantime some thoughts are as follows
This speech can be of 10 minutes duration and certainly no more than 20 minutes. Check this out with your organiser.
Dennis East sent me this poem in the hope that it might help some poor soul who might be struggling for words.
He has included this piece in his book of poems called 'All My Own Quirk' which was recently published on Kindle.
My toast to the Lassies.
Well, it's thanks to our friend, Neillie, that I'm standing here today;
He captured me down at his shop as I reached out to pay.
He said, 'I have a job for you, and you've twelve weeks to prepare.'
I thought, my God - he wants his toenails clipped or help to dye his hair.
Now, a toast that's for the ladies; Lord, wherever will I start?
He said, 'That's nothing rude and nothing crude, something from the heart.'
So, I scratched my head and searched my soul; I was'nae getting far.
It seems that Neillie's harsh restrictions took out half my repertoire.
Anyway - oh the Bard, he loved the ladies, and oh how they loved him back;
Seems a poem's all it took those days to get them in the sack.
No wonder he liked writing of the love that hid within,
Which explains his suave and healthy look, and how he kept so trim.
If only it were like that now; I'd write for all I'm worth,
Grabbing every chance I could each day to nail another verse.
And my wife, she would be pleased for me at all my new attention,
And I'd be thin from running scared from too much pain to mention.
Now, once my business took me roaming to each corner of Great Britain,
So, I catalogued the ladies; just the ones that I was smitten....
Well, Welsh girls they took hours to please, and the Irish take some beating,
And the English girls are very, very nice if your ears can take their bleating.
Ah, but Scottish girls are best by far; as steady as a rock,
But, if by chance your eye should stray, you'll wake withoot your cock.
So I married one, with no regrets; best move that I've made yet,
And I love her dear, with all my heart, in a life with no regret.
For like the Bard, I settled down when love could get no hotter,
But compared to him and his wondrous works, sure I'm just a ditty jotter.
Oh Sweet Ladies, you are dear to us - where would we be without you?
In wrinkled clothes and motley beards in a house of straw and cow poo.
Without you we would just exist - watching football in a bar;
Just sitting, drinking, laughing, eating, drinking....and sleeping in the car.
Dear, Sweet Ladies, we don't kid ourselves; we know you have us beat,
Hence why we hold the doors for you, and chairs each time you seat.
We love to do the chivalrous stuff - it makes us look the strongest,
You see, we have to make the most of things - you live the fecking longest.
Well, at last it's time for me to stop - and give you chance to mingle,
And I'll make peace with my dear wife, before I'm Facebook status: single.
Now, gentlemen, I ask you all - please charge and raise your glasses,
And join me in a bumper toast: 'To the beauty of the Lassies.'
A Woman's Place
Sensible advice to womenfolk preparing for their husband's return from work- from the May 13,1955, issue of Housekeeping Monthly.
Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking.
Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first, remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment, without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure.
Arrange his cushion and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
Don't ask him questions about his actions. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
Quickies
My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?
Why?
Do triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
At the end of every party is there always a girl crying.
One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
You're never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator
Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
You never know where to look when eating a banana.
Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
Old ladies can eat more than you think.
You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
What is a Woman?
Hazardous materials Data Sheet for Woman - A Chemical Analysis
Element. Woman.
Symbol. WO
Discoverer. Adam
Atomic Mass. Accepted as 53.6kg but may vary from 40kg to 200kg.
Occurrence. Copious Quantities in all urban areas with trace elements in most other areas.
Physical Properties.
1. Surface normally covered in powder and paint film.
2. Boils at nothing. Freezes for no apparent reason.
3. Melts if given proper treatment.
4. Bitter if used incorrectly.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin material to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
7. Non magnetic but attracted to coins.
8. In its natural shape the specimens vary considerably but it is often changed artificially so well that the change is indiscernible except to the experienced eye.
Chemical Properties
1. Possesses great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones.
2. Able to absorb great quantities of precious substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason. This occurrence is more frequent when left alone with a male.
4. Insoluble in liquids but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
6. Leaves red deposits on china.
7. Properties are vastly improved if the specimen is put in the dark.
Common Uses.
1. Mainly ornamental.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.
Tests.
1. Pure specimen turns pink when found in natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen
3. Softens and takes on a rosy glow when soaked in hot water.
Potential Hazards
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one although a certain amount of exchange is occasionally noticed.
Of course you have to end up by quoting some words from Burns about the Lassies.
A nice touch is to bring out the feelings of Love at every stage in a relationship.
Teenage love - Handsome Nell which Burns wrote when he was 14 years old.
Ae Fond Kiss - The emotions of parting.
Of a' the Airts - to Jean Armour.
John Anderson - A lifetime spent together.
The songs are endless and no doubt you will have your own favourites.
Before and After!!
Before (B) and after (A) Marriage.
B - You take my breath away
A - I feel like I am suffocating.
B - She says she loves the way I take control of the situation.
A - She calls me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.
B - Saturday night fever
A - Wednesday night football
B - The sound of Music
A - The sound of silence
B - I feel like a million dollars
A - If I had a penny for every stupid thing she's done
B - It's like I am in a dream
A - It's like she's in a dream
B - We agree on everything
A - Doesn't she have a mind of her own
B - Ideal
A - Idle
B - I love a woman with curves
A - I never said you were fat
B - She is completely lost without me
A - Why won't she ever ask for directions
B - Time stood still
A - This relationship is going nowhere
B - Croissant and Cappuccino
A - Bun and instant.
B - You look so seductive in black
A - Your clothes are so depressing.
B - Iambic Pentameter
A - Blank Verse
B - Oysters
A - Fish Fingers
B - I can hardly believe we found each other
A - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you.
Why does a man want to have a WIFE? Because
W - Washing
I - Ironing
F - Food
E - Entertainment
Why does a woman want to have a HUSBAND? Because
H - Housing
U - Understanding
S - Sharing
B - Buying
A - and
N - Never
D - Demanding
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some
good food and good companionship. She goes Tuesday's, I go Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine's in Ohio.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere
I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in
the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."
7. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now.
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
10. Remember....Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
14. Why do men die before their wives? Cause they want to.
15. A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "Wow, I wish I had your willpower."
16. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. She then said that there were too many gadgets around that there was nowhere to sit so I bought her an electric chair.
17. In the beginning God created Earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested
Then God created woman
Since then neither God nor man has rested.
The Girlfriend.
18 months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which I'd
used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts
between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 3pm and Play boy 6.9.
Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware programme, Party Girl 2.1 which I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused
severe damage to my hardware.
I then upgraded to fiancée 1.0 only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0.
Whilst Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come
bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse2002. Shortly after this upgrade however I found that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch Photo-strop and Whinge-zip! These latter products have no help files and I have to try and guess what the problem is.
Additional costly problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week.
Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. It
conflicted with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive it often crashes or runs the system dry.
Wife 1.0 also comes with a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-In-Law, which can't be turned off.
Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2000, but there could be
problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000 it tends to delete all of your Money files before un-installing itself.
Words Women Use
Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
Five Minutes
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
Nothing
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with Fine.
Go Ahead (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word Fine.
Go Ahead or Whatever (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
Loud Sigh
This is not actually a word, but a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
Soft Sigh
Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman! can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a Raised Eyebrow.
Go Ahead
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
Please do
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
Thanks
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.
Thanks a lot
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing".
A Toast to the Lassies
Men have been afraid of women since the beginning of humankind. It all started early one Sunday morning, day seven, week one. Adam was just about to step under the waterfall for a quick shower when he realised he was missing a rib. It peeved him that he'd existed only for a week and yet he'd already lost something. He turned to see if he'd accidentally dropped it and - yikes! - discovered he was no longer alone in paradise.
"You should see the look on your face," the newcomer laughed. "Scared of your own shadow?"
Adam blinked, dazzled by this stranger, who was definitely a human like he was, but a whole lot cooler looking. "Where'd you come from?" he stammered.
"Your rib, duh," she said.
"Well give it back!" he said. "It's part of a set," he added lamely, silently wishing he hadn't.
Eve just stepped closer, eyes a universe, flesh aglow. "Big guy like you," she whispered, "you'll grow a new one in no time. Meanwhile you've got me." She glided even closer to give Adam a really good once-over.
And in that instant, Adam knew his goose was cooked. Terror swept through him, an inexplicable fear that, if he were to turn suddenly away, count to ten, then look back, this gorgeous creature might not be there any more - that all of this might be just a dream. Then where would he be? Ever since that day, women have been scaring the pants off men in the following ways.
You are omnivorous and unstoppable.
We men may have bigger bellies, but women have bigger appetites a fact that really scares us to our core. For example, men experience sex with a quick, powerful intensity but then, just as quickly, we're ready to sleep. Female sexuality, on the other hand, is raw, molten, never-dying, volcanic! The same goes for your lust for life. Women can whirlwind through four museums, eat a light lunch, keep up with the kids all afternoon and still have the energy to go dancing at night. A man would be dead by then. And, need we add, there's giving birth. Ask a guy if he's up for pushing a 71b object through a body aperture the size of a pea and he'll look at you like you're crazy. Guys don't even think about competing in this arena - we just stand back and admire.
You drive like a lunatic
Maybe it's centuries of oppression suddenly reversed by being at the wheel of a tinted-window people carrier, but it's really scary how some of you drive.Tailgating is bad enough, but you lot do it with a mobile phone in one hand and a Diet Coke in the other while steering with your knees. And it usually works - which is especially terrifying.
You have total recall
A woman's steel-trap mind is terrifying to a guy because his simply doesn't work the same way. A woman can recite incriminating details from any argument in the history of the relationship - like in college when he accused her of sleeping with her drama teacher, Mr Plumbean. Gay Mr Plumbean. Or the time when he was watching Baywatch seven years ago and turned to her B-cups and asked, "What's so bad about boob jobs, again?" He might vaguely recall that there was once a tiff, but he hasn't a clue what it was about. He'd like to suggest that she is making it all up, that he couldn't possibly have been so stupid or uncaring or uncouth. But he knows that, if necessary, her Super Female Memory can be checked and will always be accurate. Better to simply agree to never again do that thing she said he did -whatever it was.
We will die, but you will live on and on.
Women outlive men by about 15 years, which means you'll inherit all our stuff, then go through our computer files and find out how sick we really were. Then you'll read our diaries and tell your girlfriends how we were once afraid of the dark or screamed like a girl when we saw a mouse run across the kitchen. And you'll give our entire comic book collection - including the complete Rat Men Of Mars series - to a jumble sale.
Sometimes you turn into a shopping zombie.
The typical professional woman can spend the equivalent of the annual budget of Belgium on a pair of shoes, a bag and a top. One season later, she will give the outfit away to some secondhand shop, where it will be resold for around £5, which is what it was really worth in the first place. Women seem to enjoy their intrepid shopping pursuits. It's like ice-climbing: wildly impractical, dangerous and exhilarating. And terrifying for a partner to watch.
You torture us for information before you'll have sex.
Can't we just fall into bed and have wild, nameless sex like those hippies did in the 70s? We men suspect we're weirdos to begin with. We don't want to reveal too much about our pasts and have a woman confirm it! Besides, that stuff you want to know is personal! Whatever your name is.
There's no escaping your verbal booby traps.
For a woman to simply say what she means would be the equivalent of her going shopping, buying the first outfit she sees without trying it on and loving it when she gets home. Unthinkable. For example, "Did you hear something?" doesn't mean that. It means, "Get up, go outside in your underwear and see if that's an axe murderer."
Your psyche is a secret safe we can never crack.
It's humiliating for us men that women can read us better than we can read women. You know we're immature, gross, frivolous and slaves to our lower passions. This makes us uncomfortable. But what's really chilling is that we have no real idea of what would make you happy. What should we get you for your birthday? What could we possibly say at the right moment that would make you suddenly laugh and look at us with gratitude and recognition?
Scariest of all, we need you as much as you need us.
Boys learn life's most important lesson in primary school. Girls have what we want. A man looks to a woman for sex, a sense of station, a mother, a friend, sex, someone willing to ask for directions, sex and maybe someone to go to a movie with. But! Women need something very important in exchange. That is to help raise the next generation of the human race. Yet to men, this is a seriously scary proposition involving lifelong commitment. The mere idea of which can make us gibber unintelligibly in the middle of the night.
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