Address to a Haggis

Speeches at a
Burns Supper

Reply on behalf of the Lassies

Reply on Behalf of the Lassies

In the ChuckleBurns section, a poem rotates on a daily basis. On Saturday and Sunday you will find parts 1 and 2 of a Toast to the Lassies in verse. Without too much imagination this can be used as a reply ( especially the Sunday, part 2 section ) It is worth a look. It is also worth a look at the Toast to the Lassies because many of the jokes can be substituted. There is also a Toast to the Lassies which could be used as a reply. In the meantime some thoughts are as follows

This speech can be of 10 minutes duration and certainly no more than 15 minutes. Check this out with your organiser.


Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
Man's Inventions
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
What do you call male ballerinas?
Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
the most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
Bricks are horrible to carry.
In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5lbs.
Some women's minds not only wander, it sometimes leaves completely.
The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knickers.
Every 7 minutes of everyday, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She has 14 kids but doesn't really care.
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: Eating too much; impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!

What I Want in a Man

Original List:(age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things in life
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice holidays
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves on most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

Compare men with Bottles of Wine. Robust, Lacking in Colour, Fruity, No Character, Dry or Sweet, etc. the allegories are endless.

Alternatively this theme can be used to fit in with the audience preferences -
Motor Cars - Vintage, Slow Starters, Full of Gadgets, always coughing and backfiring, polished, etc.

The Benefits of being a Woman are

1. You get off the Titanic first.
2. You can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
3. You can cry and be excused speeding fines.
4. You have never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
5. Taxis stop for you.
6. You don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
7. New lipstick gives you a whole new lease of life.
8. You can congratulate a team mate without ever having to touch her rear end.
9. You never have to reach down every so often to make sure certain bits are still there.
10. If you are dumb and especially blond, some people will find it cute.
11. You have the ability to dress yourself.
12. You can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
13. If you marry someone 20 years younger, you are fully aware that you will look stupid.
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
15.You will never regret piercing your ears.
16.You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
17.You will never discover that you have been duped by a wonderbra.
Lastly. You can scare males with mysterious gynaecological excuses.

And just a thought for all you women out there
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
And when we have real problems, it's HISterectomy!

P.S. Don't forget the "GUY"necologist!

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

A man will pay 2 for a 1 item he needs.
A woman will pay 1 for a 2 item that she doesn't need.

Husband and Wife

A man wants to have a WIFE because she can make his life

W - Wonderful
I - Interesting
F - Fascinating
E - Extraordinary

But a woman will have to be careful in finding a HUSBAND because he might be
H - Hopeless
U - Unaccountable
S - Senseless
B - Boring
A - Authoritative
N - Nuisance
D - Discriminative

The French give genders to nouns. What if we did the same thing?

Scottish Parliament Building - female - because it cost a lot more than we bargained for.
Monday - male - because it always comes too soon.
House of Lords - female - because it is the ultimate arbiter
Encyclopaedia Britannica - male - because it knows everything and is never wrong
Passenger - female - as it is generally picked up by the same old lines
Swiss Army Knife - male - because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles
Kidneys - female - because they always go to the bathroom in pairs
Tyre - male - because it goes bald and is often over inflated.
Sponges - female - because they are soft, squeezable and retain water
Shoe - male - because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
Photocopier - female - because once turned off it takes a while to warm up

Of course end up by saying that you cannot live without the laddies.

The Boyfriend
Firstly, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Try entering the command C:\I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.
If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoringloudly.wav files.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.

The Sexes

Mum and Dad were watching TV when Mum said, "I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed."
She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches. Rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning. She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into the wash, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button.
She picked up the game pieces left on the table and put the telephone book back into the drawer. She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry. She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom.
She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse.
Mum then washed her face with 3 in 1 cleanser, put on her Night Solution and age fighting moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and filed her nails.
Dad called out, "I thought you were going to bed."
"I'm on my way," she said.
She put some water into the dogs dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.
In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her 6 most important things to do list. She said her prayers, and visualized the accomplishment of her goals.
About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular. "I'm going to bed." And he did...without another thought.

Return to Top of Page.

Organising a Burns Supper.

The Immortal Memory.

The Toast to the Lassies.


A Toast to Canada


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